Nobodies Page 15

  Animated Face

  There’s less.

  Social Face

  I’m happy to see people

  Envious Face

  in pain.

  Insecure Face

  if people are happy to see me.

  Apprehensive Face

  from a distance.

  Parasitic Face

  who are happier than I am.

  Masochistic Face

  who are happier than I am.

  Misanthropic Face

  People are evil and stupid

  Humanistic Face

  sometimes.

  Solipsistic Face

  Neighbours do not exist

  Friendly Face

  and are tolerable

  Unfriendly Face

  until they move in

  Violent Face

  without asking.

  Mathematical Face

  Equations can be balanced

  Fascist Face

  when anomalies are extinct.

  Religious Face

  God is

  Agnostic Face

  problematic.

  Atheistic Face

  absent.

  Gnostic Face

  an asshole.

  Saintly Face

  Love is

  Theoretical Face

  can be patient and kind.

  Ideal Face

  should be patient and kind.

  Grounded Face

  should be a lot of things.

  Conversational Face

  You speak first.

  Adversarial Face

  .tsrif kaeps uoY

  Faithful Face

  I will always love you

  Responsible Face

  if the price is right

  Modern Face

  and you do not age.

  Timeless Face

  I

  Past Face

  was bad.

  Present Face

  am bad.

  Future Face

  will be better.

  Future Perfect Progressive Face

  would have been better

  Hypothetical Face

  if not for

  Regretful Face

  my timeless face.

  One Face

  You never

  Another Face

  You never

  One Face (continued)

  let me finish.

  Another Face (continued)

  let me start.

  One Face (concluded)

  say what you mean.

  Another Face (concluded)

  mean what you say.

  Translucent Face

  She I loves love me. her.

  Transparent Face

  She I loves love me not. her not.

  Brave Face

  We love each other

  Braver Face

  not.

  Romantic Face

  Love is an illusion worth believing

  Practical Face

  a reasonable fetish

  Nihilistic Face

  but . . .

  Damaged Face

  Good art opens old wounds.

  Cathartic Face

  Great art opens new ones.

  Pragmatic Face

  But no one reads anymore

  Healed Face

  so we must be intact.

  Futile Face

  I am writing this because

  Stubborn Face

  no one will read it

  Absurd Face

  and if I don’t write it

  Optimistic Face

  someone else will

  Pessimistic Face

  or they won’t.

  Redundant Face

  I’m writing this because

  Exhausted Face

  [insert text].

  Initial Face

  Happy.

  Mortal Face

  Sad.

  Final Face

  Happy.

  Sad Face

  Life is a joke

  Happy Face

  but a funny joke.

  OKCUPID FOR DUMMIES

  Rupert Pumpkin

  filmgasmmmm.blogspot.com

  Posted: 1:26AM, 08/26/2014

  Step One: Upload pics.

  Without pics, your profile is worthless. I don’t care if you’re Barack Hussein Obama. Without pics, you’re just another stalker-psycho-serial-rapist.

  But be careful which pics you choose. They’re the first thing people see. You want to be honest yet mysterious, flashy yet subtle, confident yet humble.

  No shots in front of cars. I don’t care how “nice” you think they are.

  No shots with your bros or anyone better-looking.

  No selfies. (That goes without saying.) Especially selfies in front of a mirror.

  And please, dress like a human. No one wants to see your photoshopped chest and/or your favourite Yankees hat. The chest says you’re a douche; the hat says you’re a tool. A tool with something to hide. (Especially if you’re a Yankees fan.)

  And avoid posing. Posing is for posers. Candid shots are great, even if they’re staged. They make you seem less manufactured, less paint-by-numbers. You’ll also seem less eager to impress.

  Avoid tourist shots, as well. Especially goofy ones. Leaning on the Tower of Piza. Picking the nose of a giant Buddha. Pretending to dive into the Grand Canyon. None of this is original or impressive. It just showcases your reliance on clichés, your inability to live in the moment, and your willingness to commodify your experiences. Stop taking pictures for five fucking minutes and live your life.

  When in doubt, use female profiles as a guide. If the girls you like post charming, G-rated pics, with lots of sunsets and daffodils, post similar pics yourself.

  Take BlahBlah, for example. (Your hypothetical cyber-crush.) Let’s say one of her pics shows her reading a Virginia Woolf novel with a cup of tea in her hand. Without reading a word of her profile, you can tell that she’s smart, probably well-read, possibly an English (or Women’s Studies) major, and that she might prefer tea to coffee.

  Take notes, and calibrate your profile accordingly.

  Step Two: Fill out your “I’m looking for” section.

  Be honest (with yourself as well as others) but not too honest.

  If you like women, say you like women. If you like men, say you like men. If you like everyone, say you like everyone. But only if you really mean it. Only if it’s what you’re looking for. If you’re somewhat bicurious but mostly straight, you might want to round off the decimals, for the sake of convenience.

  Remember: this is a performance, not a confession. Tell us what you like, not what you secretly like, or what you think you might like if you just got dumped and you were drunk and a smokin hot trans chick walked into the bar and started flirting with you. Don’t tell us that. Even if your dick moved a little when she touched your leg and you realized four drinks later that she was actually hotter than your ex in a lot of ways and you might be able to ignore her nether regions if you turn off the lights and close your eyes and keep your hands out of the area. Even then, don’t tell us. Just tell us what you’re looking for.

  In terms of “ages,” be realistic. If you’re 45 and you want to bang a teenager, get a hooker. If you’re a teenager and you want to bang a 45-year-old, get a therapist.

  In other words, aim for folks your own age. For guys, the rule seems to be minus five years/plus two. (For girls, vice versa.) If you’re a 23-year-old guy, you can date an 18-year-old girl, a 25-year-old girl, and anything in between. Straying beyond those parameters is ill-advised, a
t best. (And illegal, at worst.)

  “Status” depends on your code of ethics. If you’re a Puritan, who only wants to date single people, check “Must be single,” but consider all the open relationship fallout you’ll be missing.

  The last category (what you’re looking for) is the trickiest. Most guys don’t join OKC to meet “new friends,” unless they’re anti-social or insane, and even if “casual sex” is high on your list of priorities, you’re safer checking “long-term dating” and/or “short-term dating.” Most girls—BlahBlah included—are looking to date, not just fuck.Otherwise, they’d be on Tinder.

  Step Three: List your favourite films and books.

  Everyone (I repeat: everyone) likes films. I have not met a human being, dead or alive, who does not. Therefore, include a short list ASAP to let people know you’re from Earth: a couple of recent Oscar-winners, to show you have a heart, a classic or two, to show you have a brain, and one guilty pleasure (preferably a comedy, like Bananas or Midnight in Paris), to show you have a personality. You can deduce a lot about someone by their taste in films, so choose wisely.

  If, like me, you’re a huge film geek, feel free to include a longer list, but confine your list to films, not directors. Aside from Tarantino and Spielberg, normal people don’t know directors. If you want to meet a fellow film geek with whom you can produce film geek kids who can star in your geeky films about film geeks, go ahead and list your favourite directors. Otherwise, stick to films. And be careful about listing anything by Woody Allen. These days, he’s not exactly a safe choice . . . But more on that later.

  Don’t worry too much about books. These days, people just want to make sure you can read. Include a few obvious ones like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Egrets, and call it a day. (Remember: there’s a fine line between literate and geeky. Cross it at your own risk.)

  And take your cues from BlahBlah. If she lists The Complete Works of Simone de Beauvoir in her favourite books but neglects the TV section entirely, you might want to think twice before including Entourage and Californication in yours.

  Step Four: Fill out your details.

  Be honest about your ethnicity, your height, your diet, your education, your orientation, and anything else that will come out eventually.

  In the other sections, use your judgment. Most girls, for instance, prefer guys who drink socially but don’t smoke. (Cigarettes, I mean, not weed. Cigarettes: no. Weed: maybe. It depends on the girl.)

  “Religion” is a nightmare. Leave it blank, and save yourself the headache.

  “Sign” is a joke. By filling it out, you legitimize it. Don’t be a moron.

  If, like most people, you’re not too psyched about your job, feel free to input something vague, like “freelance consultant.” If you’re unemployed, either leave it blank or write “student.” (We’re all students in one sense or another . . .)

  “Income” is another minefield. Broke = loser. Middle class = bore. Rich = target. Skip this section, for all the obvious r easons.

  “Offspring” and “pets” are touchy subjects as well. ’Tis best to leave them blank, but if you feel compelled to write something, keep it sugar-coated. If you like torturing cats and/or eating dogs, keep that shit to yourself. (Same goes for children.)

  Step Five: Write your self-summary.

  Be concise. Be cool. Be casual.

  Don’t waste space with clichés like “It’s so hard to sum up myself in a paragraph.”We all know how awkward this is. There’s no point in pointing it out.

  And don’t try to sum yourself up in a paragraph. Your profile is a marketing tool, not an autobiography. Dignity goes out the window the moment you sign in, as does intellectual rigor.

  Keep it real. Keep it short. And always leave them wanting more. You need to intrigue without offending, beguile without overwhelming.

  So be yourself, but be generic. The more you reveal, the more you concede. (One girl stopped talking to me because she saw South Park in my list of TV shows.)

  Never lie, but never tell the truth (with a capital t). No one, including yourself, wants to hear that. As Baby Jesus once said, “Diplomacy is paramount.”

  Feel free to equivocate, embellish, exaggerate. But don’t say you’re a rock climber if you’re afraid of heights. (I tried that one myself.)

  Think of your profile as a resume, your first date as an interview. You want to be as professional as possible, without being stiff: a well-oiled machine with a personality.

  And always, always, always present your “best self.” If you’re a laid-back guy, say it, but make sure you add something about your strong work ethic (even if it doesn’t exist).Otherwise, she’ll think you’re a lazy meth-head. Laid-back: good. Meth-head: bad.

  If you like reading and/or exercising, put that shit near the front. (Reading means you have a brain; exercising means you have a body. Most guys think reading is stupid, which is why girls think most guys are stupid. Which is why guys who read get laid.) If you like travelling and/or meeting new people, good for you. Who the hell doesn’t? Put that shit near the end. If you like long walks on the beach, put that shit in your diary. If you like video games, delete your account. You’re hopeless.

  Sign off with an invitation. Something along the lines of “If you think we would get along, don’t be shy. Say hi.” It gives them an opening, and it makes you look friendly/accessible.

  Remember: most guys interact with girls via threats or avoidance. (Sad but true. Our gender needs help.) Find the balance between macho douche and wimpy nerd. There are a lot of both on OKC, and it’s your job not to be one of them. (Granted, the d-bags probably outnumber the nerds 10-1, but nerds can be just as annoying.) Therefore, avoid saying/doing anything that you wouldn’t want said/done to your sister, your mom, or your girlfriend—assuming you’ll someday find one. Avoid hipsteresque phrases like “too corporate” or “too mainstream” and hippie-esque clichés like “finding myself,” “being present,” and “embracing life.” You sound unemployable, not to mention moronic.

  There’s a middle-ground between asshole strutting and pretentious self-fellating. My friend (who shall remain nameless (and who isn’t really my friend (but don’t tell him that))) is a part-time grad student, part-time musician. As well as—according to his OKC profile—a “part-time chef, a part-time mountaineer, and a full-time life-lover.” Last week, he showed me his self-summary: “Whad up, Fellow Humans. I’m the co-founder/co-leader of a post-progressive folk band called Within-Time-Ness. Contrary to popular opinion, we deny our ontological status as a “band” (with a lowercase b) and problematize any praxis of aporetic discourse regarding the agency of our text or the text of our agency. Our debut album, ‘Performative Blues,’ (which is now available on cassette and vinyl) includes such songs as Deconstructing My Loneliness, You Make Me Feel So Phallic, Liminal Lovin’, My Broken Logocentric Heart, Ain’t No Marxist Like You, Howlin’ Your Sound-Image, She’s So Meta, Baby I Need Your Otherness, and our breakout single Nothin’ But a Signifier.” (As you might suspect, he’s a fan of Derrida. But I doubt Derrida would’ve been a fan of him.)

  Step Six: Leave the following sections blank.

  What I’m doing with my life

  I’m really good at

  The most private thing I’m willing to admit

  You should message me if

  Step Seven: Fill out the others. (But only if you have something clever to say.)

  For example, under I spend a lot of time thinking about I wrote “how much time I waste when I think about how much time I waste.” Clever, right? Any answer that isn’t ironic, self-deprecating, or a combination of the two is a bad answer. (Most guys write stuff like “my career,” “my homies,” and/or “the mysteries of the universe.” Eye roll. Barf.)

  Step Eight: Answer personality questions.

  A hundred or so should suffice. Just enough to get a sense of who
you are and what you like. The more you answer, the more accurate your matches will be.

  On the other hand, the more you answer, the more you reveal. So don’t answer 1000. (I’m not even sure if there are 1000 . . .)

  And don’t answer the ones that make you uncomfortable. If you have a super-duper-top-secret foot fetish, don’t answer the foot fetish question. Same goes for questions about golden showers, anal beads, and anything involving tentacles. (See Japanese porn for more details . . .)

  That said, if you want to know how BlahBlah feels about foot fetishes—not to mention golden showers, anal beads, and anything involving tentacles—you’ll have to answer the question as well. For better or worse, OKC knowledge is reciprocal.

  P.S. For the masturbation question, go with “a few times a week.” Any more and you’ll look like a pervert. Any less and you’ll look like a monk.

  Step Nine: Send a message.

  Don’t just say “Hi” or “You’re cute.” Girls don’t want their cuteness assessed by strangers, especially by lazy strangers who can’t be bothered to write more than a one- or two-word message.

  Ask a question. A harmless question that will intrigue without offending. Something like, “If you could live anywhere in Europe, where would it be?” It’s easy to answer, fun to answer, and easy to ask again. In short, a great conversation-starter.

  Once you settle on a safe, universally-appealing question, copy and paste it into every message you send. (This may sound heartless, but you’ll save a lot of time. Besides, girls aren’t looking for a sonnet. They just want an opening that doesn’t sound like a pick-up line or a death threat.)

  However (and whoever) you message, try not to get invested. I know it’s hard, especially when you find a genuine cyber-crush—a BlahBlah—but, trust me, there are better ways to spend your tears. If they don’t respond, move on to someone who will.

  And set a browsing limit. 10 seconds per profile is reasonable. 30 is the absolute max. Once you check out their head shots, body shots, compatibility ratings, and self-summary, send your message and click on the next profile. I can send over ten messages a minute, once I get into a rhythm.

  I have a checklist: Are they attractive? Are they compatible? Are they interesting? Are they sane? If I can answer Yes (or Probably) to at least three out of four, I send a message. Always leave room for red herrings: not everyone is photogenic, OKC’s matching system is known to miscalculate, some folks are only interesting in person, and—last but not least—sanity is relative.