Nobodies Read online

  What the hell is his problem?/ He’s meeting you half-way./ What a saint./ It’s the best you’re going to do./ If he doesn’t want me there, I’m not going to go./ Uh. Okay. Great./ Why would I? The only reason I’d go is for him./ Good. I’ll let him know./ You sound happy./ I’m relieved./ That I’m not going?/ That there won’t be a problem./ There wouldn’t be a problem if I went./ That’s debateable./ It sounds like you don’t want me to go./ I do want you to go. I also want to do what he wants./ And avoid a fight./ I don’t think that’s unreasonable./ Avoiding fights is kind of your thing./ Don’t start with me./ I’m serious. You’re always taking his side, breaking us up—/ You broke yourselves up./ I mean the fights. Breaking up the fights./ Someone had to do it./ Maxy Junior. Defender of the Wounded Patriarch./ I’m trying to create some peace./ Peace and quiet. That’s all you want./ Your point being . . ./ Once again, it’s all about you./ No, actually it’s all about you. Going the one place you’re not wanted, not because you want to but because you can. You think you can./ I know I can, and he’s not going to stop me./ I thought you weren’t going./ I changed my mind./ For fuck’s sake . . ./ Watch your mouth. I’m still your mother./ Fuck my mouth, and fuck my mother./ Watch it, brat./ I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING BRAT! And I’m not his either! I’m twenty-nine years old!/ You’ve got your father’s temper. At least that hasn’t changed./ What did you do to him?/ What do you mean?/ He keeps talking about this thing that happened, but he won’t say what it is./ I divorced him. That’s what happened./ He says he divorced you./ Of course he does. He’s been saying it since I gave him the papers./You let him say it./ I didn’t want to torture the guy. I just wanted to move on. And I have./ He hasn’t./ Clearly./ So where does that leave us?/ In terms of what?/ In terms of the funeral./ I don’t know. I’m meeting someone for dinner./ Someone special?/ What do you care?/ I’m just curious./ Are you curious, or is Max curious?/ Wait, why would he cover it up? It’s no secret you’re divorced./ Because he’s embarrassed. Because I got away. Because I was his sure thing, and I told him no. I was the one thing he thought he could control. It’s about ego, not about me. His puny little manhood./ What would he say if I said that?/ You know what he’d say. He’d say I’m a scheming little . . . whatever, who doesn’t have a respectable thought in her head./ I doubt he’d say “respectable.”/ I was paraphrasing.

  I’m sorry, baby. I can’t believe they’re putting you in the middle of this./ I know. It’s ridiculous./ Do you want me to come down?/ No, it’s okay./ I wish there was something I could do./ Just keep doing what you’re doing./ All right. Whaddya want to talk about?/ I don’t know. Anything. How about . . . chemistry? Let’s name the elements of the periodic table./Wanna know what I’m wearing?/ Hydrogen, helium, lithium—/ Nothing. I just stepped out of the shower./ Oxygen. Nice./ I’m still wet./ H2O./ And, woops, I just dropped my towel./ So you were wearing something./ A towel doesn’t count./ Sure, it does. I was picturing . . ./ What?/ I can’t really say. I’m, uh . . . still in the caf./ Go somewhere private./ The bathroom?/ How about the coma ward?/ Very funny./ Sorry./ It’s okay./ I can’t believe they’re doing this to you. It’s hard enough . . ./ Yeah./ They’re so selfish./ I can’t really blame them./ Yes, you can.You should. It’s their problem. They should be the ones to deal with it./ I know./ Sorry. I know you’re just trying to . . . get through this./ You’re right though. They think it’s all about them. They don’t seem to get that selfishness is a double-edged sword./ Hmm?/ When you accuse someone else, you’re doing it too. “Stop thinking about yourself, and think about me.”/ Which is selfish as well./ They don’t seem to understand that. He thinks his funeral’s about him; she thinks it’s about everyone else./ But mostly her./ Entirely her./ What about you? Why should you accommodate them when they don’t accommodate you?/ Good question.

  That’s not what I said./ Huh?/ I didn’t say she could come. I said I can’t stop her./ Right. She’s not invited, but she can come./ No, she can’t come./ You just said you couldn’t stop her./ Doesn’t mean she can come./ She can come. You’re saying she shouldn’t./ I’m saying what I said. She can do what she wants./Which means she can come./ Which means I can’t stop her./ And neither can anyone else./ That’s up to them./ No, it’s up to you. I want you to call Uncle Freddy and tell him not to get in her way if she—/ I’m not telling him shit./ Why?/ I don’t want to./ That’s a mature response./ Since when have I cared about the maturity of my responses?/ Better late than never./ Freddy can do what he wants. So can the others./ I don’t want an incident./ Then tell her not to come./ I did. She’s not going to listen./ Then that’s her problem./ No, it’s mine./ Then tell her not to come./ Look, that day is going to be hard enough if all goes well. If everyone’s getting along and no one drops the coffin. It’ll still be awful. So the best case scenario, for me, is borderline unbearable. And you want to make it worse./ I’m not—/ Both of you. You and her. It doesn’t matter who’s at fault./ Doesn’t matter to you./ Do you really want your funeral to be a clusterfuck?/ As long as there’s booze./ It’s on you, you know. If something goes wrong, it’s not my fault./ I don’t care. I’m not going to be there./ Then why does it matter if she comes?/ Because I refuse to let her win./ She’s not trying to win. She’s trying to . . ./ What?/ Get closure. Like everyone else./ She has it. She got it when we divorced. She got it when I stopped taking her calls./ She still cares about you./ No, she doesn’t./ Just because she doesn’t like you doesn’t mean she doesn’t care.

  What does that mean?/ He can’t stop you from coming, but he doesn’t want you there./ I don’t . . . What’s that beeping?/ I don’t know./ Are you still in the hospital?/ I’m down the hall./ From his room?/Yeah./ Go home. It’s late./ I’m aware./You must be tired./ You have no idea./ Did you get any sleep last night?/ About four hours./ Are the pills helping?/ Yes and no. It’s hard to say./ How long are you supposed to take them?/ As long as I want. As long as it takes./ How do you know if they’re working?/ Can we talk about Dad?/ I’m not really sure what to tell you./ Tell me you’re not going to come./ Sweetie . . ./ He’s not calling Freddy./ So?/ He thinks you’re not invited./ I don’t care./ Well, he cares, and I care, and I don’t want—/ You don’t want an incident./ I don’t want you there./ Yes, you do./ Of course I do. But I’m not the only one going. And if Dad doesn’t want you there, and his family doesn’t want you there, then I don’t want you there either./ Why?/ I told you why./You can’t handle a fight./ I can’t handle a fight, I can’t handle the possibility of a fight, and I can’t handle . . . Why do you think I’m taking the pills?/ I know./ Why do you think I’m . . ./ I know, Sweetie. I know.

  Well, that’s a relief./ No kidding./ Are you gonna head home?/ After I tell my dad./ Are you okay?/ Yeah. Not really. I don’t know./ Give yourself a hug for me./ Okay./ And a kiss./ How’s that going to work?/ I don’t know. Kiss your hand or something./ Okay./ I miss you./ I know, buddy. I miss you too./ I wish I could help./ You are helping. Just by existing./ Smooch./ Double smooch./ I want to gobble you up./ Sounds painful./ And cuddle you. Cuddle, first. Gobble, second./ You’re cute./ You’re cuter./ It’s not a competition./ I know. But if it was, I would win./ Probably./ Triple smooch./ Quadruple smooch./ BJ.

  Really?/ Really./ She’s not coming./ Nope./ She said that./ Yep./ She actually gave in./ I convinced her./ Unbelievable./ I guess I’m persuasive./ I didn’t know she had it in her./ Apparently, she does. Can I leave now?/ What do you make of all this?/ I don’t really care anymore./ Did she want to come?/ Of course./ I mean, really./ She really wanted to come./ Not out of . . ./ Malice? Spite? Boredom? No. She genuinely wanted to come. Any normal person would./ Well . . ./ In any case, it’s over. So let’s move on./ You got somewhere to be?/ Yeah. At home with my girlfriend./ Tell her I say hi./Will do./ It wouldn’t . . ./ What?/ It wouldn’t be the end of the world if she came./ Natalie?/ Ruth./You’re kidding./ It wouldn’t be the end of the world./ I’m not calling her again./ You don’t have to. I’m just saying./ You want her to come./ I wou
ldn’t mind if she came. “Want” might be a bit strong./ I can’t fucking believe this.

  So now he wants me to come?/That’s what he said./ Why?/ Fuck if I know. The man’s insane./ What did he say?/ He said he “wouldn’t mind” if you came./ He wouldn’t mind? How nice of him./ So what should I tell him?/ Tell him to go fiddle himself./ Fiddle?/ Improvise, Max./ Should I tell him you’re coming?/ No./ What? Why?/ He doesn’t want me to come. He’s made that perfectly clear./ Are you deaf? He changed his mind./ He didn’t change a thing. You laid on the guilt, and he eventually caved. He agreed just to shut you up./ I swear that’s not true. If you were here, you’d—/ Put him on the phone then./ I’m out of the room./ Go back to the room, and put him on the phone./ I doubt he wants to talk to you./ He wants me to come, but he doesn’t want to talk to me?/ He doesn’t want you to come./ He “wouldn’t mind.”/ Right./ Well, screw him./ I want you to come./ I want an apology./ From me?/ From him./ Not gonna happen./ Then I guess I’m not coming./ Jesus Christ./ He doesn’t want me there, his family doesn’t want me there, and I don’t want to go where I’m not wanted./ He does want you there. He’s just stubborn./ Well, so am I./ I can’t fucking believe this./ It’s just a funeral, Sweetie. Get some perspective.

  Unbelievable./ I know./ That person is unbelievable./ I’m aware./ Who the hell does she think she is?/ I asked several times./ The mother of my only child won’t come to my funeral./ Yep./ My wife of eighteen years./ Ex-wife./ Get her on the phone./ Seriously?/ Get her on the phone!/ It’s been ten years./ Now!/ Okay, Jesus . . ./ Is it ringing?/ Yeah. Hold on./ Wait. Never mind. Hang up./ What?/ Hang up. I changed my mind./ Are you—/ Quickly!/ Voice mail./ Don’t leave a message./ Wasn’t going to./ God, that was close./ She said she had a dinner thing./ Dinner thing? With who?/ Does it matter?/ That guy? The real estate douche?/ They broke up a while ago./ Oh. Good. Him with her, or her with him?/ Her with him. She caught him cheating I think./ Asshole./ Yep./ Who’s she seeing now?/ No idea./ But she’s seeing someone./ I have no idea. I don’t talk to her that much. And when I do, it’s not about . . ./ Who she’s banging./ Ugh. Jesus./ Hey, we’re all adults here./ Not when it comes to that./ Speaking of banging, how’s Melanie?/ Natalie./ Right. Natalie./ Natalie’s wonderful. Thanks for asking./ What’s she doing these days?/ Calming me down./ Huh?/ Nothing./ I can’t believe I almost called her./ Natalie?/ Ruth./ Your idea, not mine./ It’s your job to talk me out my ideas./ It’s really more of a hobby than a job—/ Don’t tell her I tried to call. Her ego is fat enough./ Do you want to try again later?/ No way. I refuse to talk to that—/ Stop calling her “person.” I know what that means./ If she doesn’t want to come, screw her. That’s her problem./ I’d like her to come./ Then that’s your problem./ Thanks, Dad./ I’m just so . . ./ What?/ I’m just so sick of this./ I know how you feel./ Fuck it. Let her do what she wants. If she wants to come, great. If she doesn’t, also great. I don’t care anymore./ So I can invite her?/ No, of course not./ But I can tell her to come./ No!/ What can I tell her then?/ Tell her she’s . . . I don’t know. Tell her what you want./ I’ll ask her to come for me. Sans invitation./ No./ No, what?/ Ask her to come for me./ All right./ Tell her to come for me. I’m sick of all this asking. Tell her if she doesn’t come to my funeral, I’ll—/ Huff, and puff, and blow her house down?/ Don’t get smart with me./ Relax. I’ll ask again./ Tell. Not ask./ You’re in no position to be giving orders, you know./ I’m in the best position. Giving orders is all I can do.

  What is it? I’m out with Bob./ Who?/ Bob. My dinner . . . companion./ Dad wants you to come./ Mother of God./ That’s what I said./ Officially, he wants me to come? Like an invitation?/ More like an order./Well, he should’ve thought about that before he—/ Mom. Please. Just say yes, so I can go home./ I’m not just going to say yes. After what he put me through?/ Tonight?/ Every night./ You haven’t seen him in—/ Every night we were married. Every day. Every hour—/ Give me a break./ Tonight’s just another example./ He’s not the only guilty party, you know./ And he’s not the only innocent party either./ I understand that./ Does he understand that?/ Yes. Which is why he wants you to come./ He wants me to come because I don’t want to come. It’s a power play, and he knows it./ I swear to you, it’s not. If you were here, you would see it./ See what?/ His . . . I don’t know . . . vulnerability. It’s in his voice. His eyes. It’s written all over him./ Of course it is. He’s dying. That’s what happens when you—/ Hey!/ I’m not saying it to be mean; I’m saying it because it’s true. He has no control over his life, so he’s exercising what little he has over his death./ Wouldn’t you?/ I probably would. But that doesn’t make it any less manipulative. If he were well, this wouldn’t be an issue./ If he were well, there wouldn’t be a funeral./ Sweetie . . . Look. If I go, I’m going for you./ Whatever gets you through the eulogy./ He wants me to give a eulogy?!/ I’m kidding./ Oh. Thank God. Jesus . . ./ So we’re agreed?/ On one condition./ Shit./ I want an apology./ I’m sorry./ From him./ He already apologized./ When?/ When he asked you to come. That’s as close to an apology as you’re going to get./ Fine. Do you have a caterer yet?/ No, not yet./ I can give you some names./ I’ll forward them to Freddy. He’s arranging everything./ Where’s it being held?/ Dad’s still alive, you know./ I know. I’m just . . ./ It’s all right. I’ll keep you posted as things develop./ Let me know if I can help./ I will. It’ll probably be a small service. Friends and family./ Max would like that./ Yeah. I’ll let you get back to your date./ Oh, don’t worry. Bob’s not going anywhere./ Yeah./ Sorry. Bad choice of words./ Don’t worry about it./ I love you, Sweetie. You know that right?/ Uh huh./ We’re doing our best, your dad and me. It might not seem like it, but we are./ So am I./ I know you are./ Yeah. Well . . . I should really get going./ Let me know what he says./ I think we both know what he’ll say./ Something “Maxy.” Followed by a grumble./ You’re definitely coming? You won’t change your mind?/ As long as he doesn’t change his./ Even if he does . . ./ Sweetie. I’m coming. Tell Max to wear something nice.

  FACES

  First Face

  People say I’m

  Second Face

  two-faced

  Third Face

  but they’re wrong.

  Fourth Face

  I have more than two.

  Fifth Face

  I have three.

  Sixth Face

  Trusting Face

  I have no reason to doubt people

  Suspicious Face

  other than the following:

  Blank Face

  There’s more to you than meets the eye.